Naturally, I am a reserved person. Not to be confused with shy or insecure, but recently I’ve been putting my confidence on display ( Does running an entire website dedicated to a character that is a superimposed version of yourself count as narcissism or is it all just good fun?). Something I usually don’t do because I am the definition of socially awkward, but often come off as extremely intimidating (think nutella and sriracha sandwich), and when I do manage to find the right balance of awkward cutie plus fierce mama, I sway a little more toward my fierce mama superego. In my opinion my reservation helps me maintain a healthy sense of self without the risk of an ego trip. But maybe those trips are good. While they should be welcomed with caution, maybe they help manifest the version of myself I should aspire to be. Whether I'm sweet as can be or keeping it spicy, I consider my sense of personal security essential to my well being.
About a year ago, I was going through some personal stuff. Nothing glamorous. Just age old, early twenties life changing stufffffff, when I realized, Yes Regina George. I do think I'm pretty, and I will sit where I please! Buhhh-Bye!
Having a healthy sense of self enables me to take a compliment from someone and deny their dinner invitation sans guilt. It helps me better evaluate who or what may be holding me back and making a change, if need be. Thankfully it helps me not feel silly or selfish for dreaming big. It enables me to try and do things with the only expectation being, not success, but that I tried. When I feel like everything is working against me or not going my way it gives me resilience to continue advocating and working for things I believe in. Having a secure sense of self helps me say no just as much as it helps me say yes. It allows me to accept without explanation, even if I don’t agree, what I perceive as downfalls in others, within reason. (Major key.) Most importantly it allows me to forgive myself.
Having a healthy and secure sense of myself came from looking at all of the parts of myself that might not be so pretty (actually very ugly) and learning to work with or accept them. It’s not easy, to achieve or maintain. Meeting my ideal ego meant taking a good long hard look in the mirror, cutting through that doctored surface, and letting the old bones, demons and all the other icky stuff my skin contains spill out, and really taking an account of how all my good parts reflected in my bad parts and vice versa.
(Until I start referring to myself as yezus) I refuse to let anyone tell me where I should be putting it. Simply because it's mine. I worked hard for it. Deep self-reflection is not easy. Being your self is not always easy. Standing up for what you believe in is not easy. Being a human is like trying to climb Everest in a pair of flip flops. Everyone at some point feels like this and finds their way around, over, or through it. Some people buy rosy smelling bath bombs and nice bottles of wine. Some people tweet a lot. Some people have that one pair of shoes or that perfect shade of lipstick. Some people, like myself, werk.